I can’t believe the last time I wrote an entry was our transfer day! That seems like forever ago. Here I am a little over 9 weeks carrying two babies who have NO idea how much they already mean to me. Every ounce of me is filled with joy, happiness, and excitement. I know it’s still early, but they say after you see a heart beat the chance of miscarrying drops to approx 5%.
My first beta test result was 2548 and two days later 6233. I knew this was good for us. I of course searched other forums/pregnancy blogs trying to see some correlation for twins. No real evidence that I could find though. I would have to hold out until our first ultrasound which we had last Friday. After looking at sooooo many pictures of ultrasounds on Google in advance I knew the second the image came on we had twins! I was prepared with tissues and waiting for the tears to come but they shockingly didn’t at that point. I think I was too excited. The moment I started to tear up was when we were actually walking out of the room and I said to the tech “Finally we get to walk out with these pictures in hand!!!” After being in that room countless times before, finally it was exactly what I wanted to see! I’m very grateful that both embryos made it. I kept thinking what if only 1 of the 2 we had transferred made it.. that would mean one didn’t and I don’t know how I’d handle that. I’d be worried the entire pregnancy thinking maybe this one wouldn’t stand a chance either.
I am feeling all the typical first trimester pregnancy symptoms. I am extremely tired ALL the time which makes being a registered nurse doing 12-hr shifts interesting. I have to remember I can’t go all day without eating or drinking and I can’t just go home, shower and go right to bed. I have to actually put in an effort to eat a meal. Which thank the lord my husband usually has prepared and waiting for me. I can tell when my stomach starts to get empty the babies start saying EAT NOW OR DEAL WITH THIS NAUSEA!!!! It never fails to strike between 2-4 AM which is convenient because I usually need to pee for the 4th time of the night. In all seriousness I will take these symptoms the rest of my life if it means I get these two precious babies in the end.
I’ve decided I’ll be going on leave at 24 weeks. I’ve been reading a lot of blogs and seeing what others with twins have been doing. It seems around 24-28 weeks is when I’ll be ready to start taking it easy to prevent premature labor. At this moment in time I don’t plan on returning to work full-time until the kids are in school. The Director of Nursing at my work has recently put in her notice to resign. It was always my dream/professional goal to take her position when she retired BUT even more important is my dream of being a mother so my professional goals will just have to wait awhile longer.
NEXT BIG EVENT: FINDING OUT THE GENDER(S) Clearly we’ll be happy with whatever they are. I am hoping for both boys.. but if not both girls.. but if not a boy AND a girl 🙂
Anyone have any cute baby names to share?
Today was our TRANSFER DAY!!! The day that once seemed so far away. I was so excited to get our “Report card” and see the two “Chosen Ones.” We weren’t given any information about them the past 5 days so I just kept praying they were okay. The nurse kept saying “No news is good news” which turned out to be the case. Everything went smoothly with the transfer. I could not be more impressed with our doctor and his staff. I felt the entire time I’ve been in good hands. Now we wait until tomorrow to see how many we will be freezing. We already have 1 frozen, so 14 more to go. The countdown also begins for our first beta test (the official YOUR PREGNANT MOMENT) 🙂
SIDE NOTE: An omen is “anything perceived or happening that is believed to portend a good or evil event or circumstance in the future.” There have been so many good omens happening to us lately I can’t help but think that God is sending us little reminders that this is going to work and that we have nothing to worry about. For example, I saw this lady a couple of nights ago while we were out to eat. I kept asking my mom “How do I know this lady?” After about 20 minutes I turned to my husband and said “THATS THE RECEPTIONIST FROM THE CLINIC!!” What are the odds that in a totally different town than the clinic at that restaurant and time we would run into her. And at our transfer today our embryologist had the exact same colored hair tie on the exact same hand as me. Okay lots of women wear hair ties, but A LIME GREEEN HAIR TIE?? AND ON THE RIGHT HAND!! NOT EVEN IN OUR HAIR!!! She was actually the one who referred to it as a “Good Omen.” And lastly, this morning when I woke up and was getting ready Grizzly and Bear sat in the doorway watching me. I said “Are you guys ready for me to bring the embryos home today?” It was like I asked them to go for a walk or eat a big juicy steak. They both immediately jumped up and were going crazy! It was so weird. THEN later on, when we were in the transfer room, right as the doctor and embryologist were placing the embryos my husbands text received noise (barking dog) went off. Trust me I was EXTREMELY embarrassed. Even the doctor said “In all my years, I’ve never had a dog bark as I did that.” Just freaky! Maybe mere coincidences? But I am so superstitious and believe that these little things add up. And if that makes me feel at ease and hopeful, then I’ll take it! So right now I shall “Keep Calm” and grow these babies.
Side Note #2: So much THANKS and LOVE go out to my mom who is waiting on me hand and foot today like I had major surgery and had my limbs removed. She’s being a rock star nurse and also dietician making sure I am eating and drinking healthy.
Side Note #3: I also want to say to the other infertility bloggers I follow/comment how grateful I am for you. You have offered me so much support and encouragement through this next step. I am so lucky to be able to share this experience with you. I love reading all your blogs and you are all truly an inspiration to me! I am constantly thinking/praying for you all. Baby Dust*
The big retrieval day has come and gone. We got to the clinic around 8AM Friday wearing our lucky socks I purchased the day before. No, I’m not superstitious..AT ALL 😉 My husband and I shared a few laughs before I had to go to the actual procedure room. He had an embarassing moment when he had to leave his specimen collecting room to ask for the wifi password. The nurse at the desk said, “Yeah it might take awhile but Ill find you once I have it.” He said “Ok I’ll be in that room.” She replied, “Oh!! I’ll get right on that then.”
I was pretty calm going in but that could have been the Valium. When it came to the actual procedure it was way worse than I could have ever imagined. After the nurse gave me the Versed and Fentanyl everything went down hill. The pain felt like a tiny knife stabbing me over and over. I pictured when I was done it would look like a bloody massacre had taken place (it didnt). I was looking forward to being able to see the procedure on the screen and seeing the embryologist get to work. However, after those meds kicked in I became so dizzy I couldnt even focus on the screens. I actually had to sit up and dry heave for about 10 minutes. The nurse said we had to wait until after the procedure for any Zofran. So I had to settle for a cool wash cloth and an alcohol pad in my nostrils which apparently relieves nausea (never knew). I pulled it together until we got to the recovery room where I continued to dry heave. It eventually subsided with a 7up, animal crackers, and 2 doses of Zofran. Thankfully my husband recorded the entire procedure from the viewing room so I can watch back the exact moment our child(ren) were made. Science-how freakin amazing! To think some day when our children ask us “How are babies made?” We’ll have this video to show them.
So now we wait for our transfer date Wednesday. Until then Ill continue to enjoy my time off with my husband, family, friends, and “chogs” (New favorite word:Children-Dogs).
Yesterday we made the 7.5hr trip from our small town in SW North Dakota to the cities in Minnesota for what I’m calling our “In Vitro Vacation.” As I’m originally from MN and my family/friends still reside here I couldn’t be more happier and comfortable being “back home” for this stressful time. Tonight Im meeting with my cousin whose getting married this summer and I’m her MOH. Having that duty has been just what I needed to distract myself until this eventful vacation began. She is having a White Trash Bash Bachelorette party. I’ve found I have a talent in making redneck dream catchers and duct tape sashes for brides/bridesmaids (pics to follow). Tomorrow night we’re having a triple date with some friends. I CANNOT wait to see them! It has been FAR too long! My one friend I had mentioned in an earlier post is pregnant with twins from IVF with my same doctor. I can’t wait to see her cute little baby belly (which by the way last weeks gender revealed a BOY and GIRL, YAYYYYY!!!!).
Beside those plans, I’m really trying to take it easy and be as stress free as possible. Which is proving to be absolutely impossible. I think I’ve had close to 50 meltdowns in the past 24hrs. I believe my husband has came to the conclusion there is no longer any point in trying to reason with this hormonal lunatic who was once his wife. I could be an actress right about now with the rate I can turn on my water works. I am also shocked at what the past 10 days of injections has done to my body. Besides the obvious bruises and overall tenderness I just feel so bloated and uncomfortable. I feel like I have Kwashiorkor (google please).
Since my last post we’ve had three more ultrasounds and estradiol levels completed. The follicles continue to grow and the doctor says everything is progressing great. What a relief it is to hear that somethings going right. Tonight is my LAST night with the Menopur injections-HALLELUJAH! PRAISE THE LORD! *CELEBRATION DANCE* That is a nasty little injection with its burning! Tomorrow we will administer Lupron (time TBD) and Friday will be our big retrieval date. Then as Im sure most of you know, 2-5 days later we’ll get to see the embryos and their grades (which hopefully their ‘A’ students like their mom) and have 1-2 transferred back. So any last minute thoughts/prayers/wishes would be much appreciated right about now.
The big event has officially begun *slow clap everyone* We are currently 2 ultrasounds and 4 days of stimulation meds in. The actual injections haven’t been that bad, but with that said they’ve only been tiny SQ needles so far. I’m so thankful and proud of my husband for pulling it together every 5:30/6AM to give this to me (he’s a crabby zombie before 9AM). At yesterdays ultrasound the follicles looked to be about 5-9mm, so we’ve got a ways to go still. Tonight we add Menopur and Ganirelix to the injection regimen and Friday we’ll go for another ultrasound.
I have been trying to make a conscious effort to be more healthy. I had slowly been cutting out caffeine which is hard because the husband keeps the fridge fully stocked with Coke and Mountain Dew and who doesn’t love a good soda with their meal? I started by drinking Fanta and Rootbeer at work for a couple of weeks and now I’m soda free. This means lots of H2O and lots of trips to the bathroom (preparing for a pregnancy bladder I suppose). The diet has been the difficult part. At 125lbs I’m not overweight by any means, but the PCOS diet mostly focuses on trying to eat less carbs and processed foods. I guess you could consider my palate “immature” and craving EXACTLY those types of foods. The list of food I consume is pretty limited to Pizza, Cereal, Pasta, Cookies, Brownies, Cinnamon rolls, and if I can sneak to the big city Cheese Quesadillas or chicken, cheese, and rice at the El Sombrero (eating mostly the cheese and rice with chips and pushing the chicken to the side). Clearly I can’t cook, but even if I could it wouldn’t make a difference. My husband is an amazing cook, or so everyone who eats his food tells me. I’m just not into caveman food (lots of meats, potatoes, cabbage, onions, vinegar & oil salads). Even after I attempt to eat what he prepares I’m still left craving my carbs. Damn you PCOS! I also bought an Infertility Yoga DVD by Brenda Strong which I gave a shot. It made me so dizzy and lightheaded I actually had to lay down and turn the tape off. So the healthy me still has a long ways to go.
I can’t believe we’re finally on this journey and getting even closer to knowing a retrieval and transfer date. I’ve read so much about others journey with their first IVF and I can’t wait to experience it myself. Since I got started on my love for quotes last entry, I’ll leave you with another one of my favorites.
We’re exactly ONE WEEK out until I start my first med. My little pharmacy is set up and in the words of Pink I’m ready to GET THIS PARTY STARTED! We had our medication consult with the IVF coordinator. Feeling a little overwhelmed and anxious about all the injectables. I better start being nice to the husband now with all the shots he’s going to be giving me. I think I’ll start with the gigantic 2lb Rice Krispy Bar I got him for Valentines Day! How Romantic!
I found this quote the other day (Yes, I am obsessed with quotes and would tattoo all my favorite ones if I could). I absolutely love this one though. I’d like to think of this whole infertility journey as a storm… a Perfect Storm. I know that when it’s over I’ll definitely be a different person (and hopefully a mother).
Well it’s been awhile since I had time to really sit and think about my next blog. So what’s been happening in our journey to conceive baby Olson?
-We gave it one more attempt before Christmas which, no shocker here, was unsuccessful AND the beginning of the next cycle was cancelled due to 2 more large cysts 😦 So back on birth control for awhile
-My provider referred me to the specialist from Maple Grove, MN who has a satellite clinic in Bismarck.
-Had our initial consult with the specialist January 7th.
I was a nervous and emotional wreck leading up to the consult. I had a whole speech prepared to give him for why it is time to move on with treatment. He came in and gave us the whole run down on why we haven’t been able to conceive. He went over everything we’ve done and proceeded to say “BUT you do have options…. 1. You decide to not have kids 2. You look into adoption or 3. We move forward with treatment and look at IVF” The tears came like they normally do. CLEARLY the first 2 are NOT options in my book… (at least not right now). So with that being said IVF IT IS!!!! I am so excited and full of hope and yet scared shitless at the same time. I don’t know how that’s possible, but its the best way to describe how I’m feeling. We will be looking at the end of March/beginning of April. The IVF coordinator said I should have my calendar sometime next week.
I was so excited to share the news with a few of those close to me. For a majority, they are just as happy as I am. Friends are already lined up to babysit! I was most excited to tell my friend who is pregnant with TWINS from the same specialist. She has been my own personal support line and nurse for all infertility questions. I appreciate her SO SO much and wish we lived closer so we could hang out like we used to. My coworkers have also been nothing but AMAZING. They have allowed me to run to last minute ultrasounds and switch for a day off here or there for appointments. My work was one of the first places I stopped just to give my boss the news and let her know I’d be needing some time off. Of course the tears started when I got in her office. My boss has been so supportive through this whole process. She offered me the comforting hug I’d been REALLY needing and let me know not to worry about work.
Although most were supportive, there were a few individuals close to me who weren’t as supportive. A few “how are you affording this?” “I hope insurance is covering this?” “why don’t you wait until you have more money saved up?” “What about adoption?” These are the type of comments that make me want to SCREAM! If we wait until we can 100% pay out of pocket for this, I won’t have any eggs left! And why is it any of your business? Are you married to me? Are you living on our bank account? and JEEZ ADOPTION? WHY DIDNT I THINK OF THAT!!! I have NOT given up hope and I probably NEVER will give up hope that I can carry my own child/children!!! These people who made these statements do not have the LEAST bit feeling what infertility is like! THE EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, AND PHYSICAL ROLLERCOASTER you go through is nothing these people will EVER understand. I told a close coworker about these reactions to my news and she gave me the best advice… “Only surround yourself with those who are as excited and positive about this experience as you are. You don’t need that negativity around you. Not now!” And she is right!
So you’re either on our bandwagon or I’m pushing you right off!!! That felt amazing to get off my chest and I’m signing out on that note.
While patiently waiting and completing this month of birth control, I’ve been reading post after post from fellow infertility blogs. While reading them I sometimes cry. Sometimes tears of sadness, but other times its tears of joy and laughter. I absolutely love when I find those blogs that I can actually hear the person speaking and can laugh at all the sarcastic and witty comments. I love those who can make light of this shitty hand we’ve been dealt. This makes me look back at my own posts and I can’t help but be a little embarrassed. I mean HEY DEBBIE DOWNER, NEGATIVE NANCY! Can I blame being a hormonal b**** on the Estrogen 3 times a day? From here on out I’m going to try to be more positive. I want to look back on my blog someday and think ‘WOW-AFTER ALL THAT TIME YOU DID IT AND YOU WERE A TOTAL FREAKIN ROCKSTAR FROM MARS’ It’s definitely easier to be positive right now with the holiday season. I mean you’d have to be a real grinch if you can’t find happiness in all things Christmas (Christmas lights, Christmas music, Christmas cookies, Christmas movies). So with that being said, Im a little early, but HAPPY HOLIDAYS! I hope you spend it surrounded by those you love. I hope you can manage to stay positive despite everything you’re struggling with.
Happy Holidays from The Olson’s
As defined by the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, “Depressed (adjective) feeling sad or having a serious medical condition that causes a person to feel very sad, hopeless, and unimportant : suffering from mental depression.” Pretty accurate to how I feel today. I went for my baseline ultrasound this morning. I used to look forward to going to these. The excitement of starting a new cycle. Today, that all changed. For one, I’m just tired of them. They’re awkward. Uncomfortable. The tech at the rural hospital takes 30 minutes or longer to complete them. That’s 30 minutes of having a transvaginal gigantic wand stuck in a body cavity where NOTHING should be placed during this time of the month but a tampon (#graphic,sorry). I wish I were closer to the “Big city” Women’s Clinic because their technicians do these ALL day, EVERYday and it takes about 3 minutes. Enough bitching about the actual procedure. The results are what has caused me this mental breakdown. While completing the ultrasound, the tech (whom I’ve come to know VERY well) informed me with a “WOW! You have 52 follicles!” I said, “thats not too bad, about 26 each side.” She responds with, “No! Thats just your left ovary!” Oh. Alright then. That would explain the constant pain on my left side that I first attributed to ovulation pain and then cramping. I returned home and within a couple hours my PA phoned. I did not like this at all and I knew something was wrong right away. She never calls with the plan, its usually her nurse. She proceeds to tell me I have one gigantic asshole of a cyst on my left ovary (ok I threw the word ‘asshole’ in there). She then tells me the plan: Start a round of birth control to resolve this cyst. My eyes immediately started to fill up with tears. My heart started to break. Another month will go by without even having the shot at trying to conceive. Before the conversation was over, she asked how I felt about everything and I couldn’t hold it in. The tears began to fall and my voice whimpered as I spoke. I told her how disappointed I was and how hopeless I feel. She had some supportive things to say and then went on to tell me she doesn’t know how much more she can do for me. So the plan as of right now is to do the birth control and attempt 1 more IUI. If this doesn’t work she said she’ll be referring me to a specialist from Minneapolis who comes every month. The conversation ended and as soon as it did the full on melt down began. A melt down that turns into an anxiety attack. The crying so much you can’t see and wish your eyes had windshield wipers. The crying where you can’t even stand or sit. You literally have to lay down. So that’s what I did. I ran up to our bedroom where my husband was cleaning up Grizzlys accident on the carpet (puppy potty training is thrilling). I threw myself on the bed and covered my face with the blankets and just cried. He kept asking me what was wrong and I’m sure in his mind he thought someone had died with how I was reacting. When I finally caught my breathe, I told him the news. My husband has a hard time with this whole thing. He hates seeing me cry and doesn’t know how to react or how to make me feel better. He says “Stop crying!” or “Calm down!” It’s not that he’s trying to be an insensitive jerk. He genuinely doesn’t know what to do. His way of cheering me up is making me my favorite foods. Which don’t get me wrong, I LOVE and I REALLY appreciate! He also tries to use humor, which occasionally works. But today, the “Well honey, why don’t you come help me scrub this floor and get some anger out” was NOT the right thing to say. I told him I just wish he’d be a little more supportive. Even a hug or “Im here for you” is all I really want and need. So I turned to the one person who I really trust and know will cheer me up… my mother. She is honestly the most amazing mother and woman I’ve ever met. So I sat there on my bathroom floor and phoned her (yes bathroom floor-ick-only something you do in the middle of an anxiety attack and don’t care where you sit). She’s so supportive of me and knows what to say to put things in perspective. She tries to get me to understand that there really is NOTHING I can do and there is NO point in crying and stressing over it right now. I love that after every conversation with my mother, on especially tough days for me, she always texts me a little reminder that she loves me. Today it was “I hope you have a better rest of your day. Love upm” (Im pretty sure she meant ‘you’). My mother is right. There is absolutely NOTHING I can do and that’s why it is so hard. I don’t want to be crying. It’s not a light switch of emotion you can just turn on and off. So I’m going to do the only thing I can do. I’m going to go to the pharmacy, fill the birth control prescription, and put all else in God’s hands.
Sad. Miserable. Depressed. Hopeless. Scared. Angry. Just a few of the choice words I’d use to describe how I’m currently feeling. But most of all, feeling like a FAILURE. This cycle failed me… or maybe I failed myself? Not that I should be this surprised and broken to pieces. It’s not the first time I’ve looked down at the HPT to see one bright and almost flashing pink line. I just wish for once there’d be a second line… Maybe one where I would need to look a little closer. Get a magnifying glass. Not this. I could see this in the dark… a million miles away. Or maybe I could feel it. I knew even before taking it what it would say. But those minutes waiting for it to develop I stood there and prayed to God things would be different this time. I thought doing the IUI would be our answer. I thought I’d be able to surprise my husband with the “New Dad” gift I’ve had waiting for him for over a year and a half. I thought I’d be able to start buying little gifts for each of my family members with clever ways of spilling the beans that they’d be a Grandma again, Grandpa again, Great grandparents again, an uncle, cousins, etc. I am so thrilled to be going home to spend Christmas with my family this year. I spent all day with my husband in the “Big City” buying presents for our family members. I was telling him how before we got married I NEVER wanted to have a baby girl (especially fearful she’d turn out like me). At this rate I’ll take a boy, girl, or mermaid if thats what happens. As long as our bundle of joy is healthy… that’s all that matters. So now we wait to begin the next cycle. Hurry up AF! We have one more attempt before the holidays. Cross your fingers. Baby Dust!
PS In honor of having a “Sad. Miserable. Depressed. Hopeless. Scared. Angry” Day… Here are some eCards that have me laughing my butt off. Enjoy